let the words fall out
by ivyandtwine
Summary: A twist on Cops and Robbers (4x07) where there is no bank robbery, just a phone call. For lousiemcdoogle, and something for #CastleFanficMonday
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: Huge thanks to the wonderful Lou for the prompt, I hope you like it, sorry it's short :)_

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"Tell me you need me."

She can't breathe. What did he just say?

She clutches the phone tighter as she tries to form words. "Excuse me?"

"I'm stuck at a bank, helping my mother get a loan from my banker. Please tell me there's a murder somewhere we can be solving."

Oh. Thank God. Just her misinterpreting the phrase. There's a hint of disappointment simmering in her stomach, because, yes, she needs him, so much.

If she could actually manage to tell him that though, it would be great.

"Ah, sorry. There's no dead bodies, just a lot of paper work. But you're welcome to come and do your share. For once," she teases, pushing away the thoughts that are definitely too complicated for the moment, bringing back the ever so reliable banter.

"The only thing worse than being here, is being there doing paperwork."

Oh yes, she knows all about his hatred for paperwork.

"You know, how come we're partners when I'm chasing down bad guys and as soon as there's paperwork, I'm on a solo mission?"

She hears him exhale, and he quiets, like he's thinking how to respond, and her brow furrows. Surely he can't be upset by that?

"Castle, I was only joking you know? You don't have to do paperwork," she assures, wishing she could be in his head right now so she could understand what he is actually thinking.

"I know. I just-" He sighs. "Want to be your partner all the time… in everything."

She freezes. Sucks in a breath. Oh. Oh, Castle.

How is she supposed to respond to that?

_Me too, but I don't know if I'm ready._

"I- uh-," she gets out, but her throat has closed up, and _oh God_, why did he say that now. She clenches her free hand, can feel her pulse everywhere in her body, heavy and loud.

"I just mean- I feel bad for not helping you, Beckett," he backpedals. She knows he meant something more, though he probably didn't even mean it to come out originally. But she knows it's the truth.

_I love you, Kate._

She wants to cry, out of frustration with herself more than anything, swipes under her eyes to brush away the non-existent tears. Her heart aches, she wants to say more, be more, _for him_. Wants to give herself completely to him, and she's working at it, she is. Maybe she's not working fast enough.

This conversation is making her dizzy, longing to reassure him, but God, she can't get the words out.

"It's ok, Castle. I- understand." She emphasizes the last word, hopes he can read the subtext they usually excel at.

"Uh- good. Ok. Well- I should probably be getting back, Mother is probably going to tear this place apart if she doesn't get her way," he laughs, but it's forced, and she closes her eyes, clenches her jaw, hating that she's making him like this, tiptoeing around her. "I'll see you tomorrow?"

She opens her eyes, takes a deep breath. It's ok, they've got time. She'll get there.

"Tomorrow."

She hangs up the phone, runs her fingers through her hair, then lets her forehead fall forward into her hands. Her palms are damp, and she lifts her head back, wipes her hands roughly on her jeans. Why can't she just be good enough, be better already? Her frustration, her hurt, her anxiety, swarm her thoughts, a muddled mess of what ifs and too soons eating at her insides.

She wants to tell him, and maybe she should. Tell him she wants this, wants them, but she's not there yet. Tell him that she heard him and she's sorry for lying, but she just could _not_ deal with it back then. They had the talk on the swings and she thinks he understood. But what if he didn't? She could, say _something, _reassure him. Tell him as much as she can, so he knows he's waiting for something, something that she hopes could be amazing.

_What are you really scared of? That he won't wait for you? Or that he will?_

Why not?

With her burst of courage, she picks her phone back up and dials his number. Blood rushes and pounds in her head, but she doesn't get much time to dwell on her fears, because he picks up after the first ring.

"Beckett?"

"Do you want to have dinner with me? Tonight?" It's rushed, her words spilling out of her. She feels lighter, the words already lifting some of the weight that has been pushing her down since the summer.

"You mean- like- uh-" he chokes out, a squeak to his voice.

"Uh- yeah- like a date. Sort of. I just- need to talk to you."

He's silent again, and she sinks her teeth into her bottom lip, her heart like a drum and her limbs weak. God, Castle, _say something_.

"Yeah- yes- definitely. I'd love to have dinner, Kate," he rushes, but she can hear the smile in his words and butterflies fill her stomach, her throat, bursting from her as a smile stretches across her face.

"Great. I'll pick you up at seven."

She's smiling wider now, and she brings her hand up to cover her mouth to try and contain it. She's going to fix this, fix them. Maybe not immediately, but she can't let him slip away from her because of doubts and fears.

It's going to be ok.

She has a date with Castle.

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_A/N: Thank you to the wonderful girls who read this over for me, I owe you guys a lot. _


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: Whoops, some of you asked for a part two, so I decided to see if I could come up with something little. Thanks Emily and Steph for reading it over xx_

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Kate paces in the kitchen, her nail of her index finger pressed between her front teeth, until she remembers that she painted them, so she quickly takes it out, checking for any dents. She runs her hands down her dress, smoothing the non-existent wrinkles, making sure her outfit is still okay. The dress is simple, black, stops just above her knees, and scoops low at her neck - casual but classy. She's nervous, _god_, she's so nervous, and she forces herself to stop pacing by placing both hands on her kitchen counter, fingers gripping the surface as she takes deep breaths in and out.

She messaged him at six, told him to pick her up instead, but she has a surprise. She's cooked him dinner, at her place, the table set up decoratively and two candles lit. Hopefully not too romantic, but definitely suggesting more than a casual dinner with friends.

Stupid idea, she thinks, because now she has to not only worry about talking, _explaining_, to Castle, but has to worry about cooking, about whether he is enjoying what she's made. But she needed the privacy, and the comfort that comes with her place, hopefully it will give her confidence to tell him exactly what he needs to hear.

6:59 and she can hear him walking to her door, and she checks the oven one more time, her pasta bake only needing about ten more minutes. She closes her eyes, inhales, trying to calm her nerves with the flow of oxygen.

He knocks, strong and sharp, and the calming did not help, her heart has gone haywire, and she forces her weak legs to move so she can let him in.

She opens the door, and _damn,_ he looks good. She told him smart casual, and the sweater and jeans he is wearing pull that off perfectly. Her jaw unhinges, arousal swirling deep in her gut and her tongue darts out to wet her bottom lip. She finds herself almost wishing she wasn't this affected by him, because if he turns her down, if her lie is too much, then she doesn't think she will be able to cope.

"Kate, you look beautiful," he says, deep and throaty, and god, just his voice is doing it for her. The phone call this morning has flicked a switch in her, allowing herself to want more, feel more, for him.

"Thank you, Castle," she replies, a soft smile gracing her face, and her nails fidget and scratch along her collarbone as she gestures him in.

He walks ahead of her and she can see the moment he realizes the change of plans. He's frozen, taking everything in, head flicking between the table and kitchen.

She comes around to face him, eyes searching his for approval as she sinks her teeth briefly into her pink stained lip.

He looks… awestruck.

"You- you cooked for me?"

"I- uh- yeah." She nods, wondering if she should explain her reasoning. "Is that ok?"

"Ok? God, Kate- yes of course. I can't wait." He smiles, bright, his eyes ablaze and elated, and it does nothing to quell the fluttering of her heart.

She tells him to make himself comfortable, and she serves up their dinner, protesting when he tries to help.

They make their way through dinner with mostly small talk, Castle chattering on about his mother's antics, asks her advice on his daughter's boyfriend issues. He raves about her meal, and she savors the compliments, because she enjoyed cooking for him, loved having him in her mind as she decided what to make.

She's jittery, is saving the serious stuff for after they've eaten but it's doing her head in wondering how he will react, what will happen for them, and she has to force herself to concentrate on their conversation.

They finish their meals and he stands, takes their plates to the kitchen before she can get a word in, so she calls him over to the couch once he's done. She almost feels sick, her stomach churning and her pulse rapid - she has no clue what the outcome will be, if he even still feels the same way about her. She toes off her shoes and sinks back into the cushions, her nails digging into her palms as she waits for Castle.

He plonks himself down next to her, and she bounces a little with his weight. He's smiling at her, relaxed and soft, but doesn't say anything, apparently is waiting for her to take the lead.

"I heard you," she blurts, and her eyes slam shut. That was so not how she wanted to start this.

"You heard me- what?" He pauses, and she's silent, hopes he figures it out. She opens her eyes, looks at him, and can see the moment it clicks. "Oh. You _heard_ me. At the funeral."

Oh god, she can't do this.

"You- you lied? About not remembering?" His voice is crushed, and she can feel tears stinging her eyes. Her heart, her stupid, scarred heart, crumbles a little at his face, confusion and hurt lining his features.

She explains - or tries to explain - her point of view, how ruined she was after the shooting, after Montgomery. How much she hurt, physically and mentally, how much she was just trying to get through each day without breaking down. His face morphs throughout, understanding and compassion interspersing his previous emotions. She thinks she's explained well, and she stresses that she still shouldn't have lied, but maybe, just maybe he might be able to forgive her.

"Remember on the swings?" she continues, wanting to get through this conversation so she can begin mending them, and herself.

"Yeah. You said you had a wall," he murmurs, avoiding eye contact, but he's still here, he's waiting her out. "You said, you couldn't have the relationship you wanted until the wall comes down."

"You know I was talking about you right?"

His head snaps up, eyes darting to hers.

"You were?"

"Of course, you idiot," she huffs out, but he's waiting for more information so she continues. "I'm not ready just yet, Castle, but I'm trying, I really am. I just- after the phone call- after what you said, I couldn't let you go on wondering."

He sighs. "I had... hoped you meant me, but I was never sure. But this was back when I thought you didn't know how I… felt," he mumbles, and she wishes he would say those words again.

"I am so sorry, Castle, you have to know that," she pleads.

"I know, Kate. I know. I wish- that you had told me sooner, that summer, it... hurt. But you were hurting too, I can't even begin to imagine how hard it would have been. So... I understand."

She sucks in a deep, rattling breath, ribs expanding, and she takes a risk and reaches out and grabs his hand, cradling it in both of hers. It grounds her, warm and heavy in her palms, and he squeezes briefly, giving her the confidence to finish.

"If you still want to wait for me, Castle, I will be all in this. I want to be there, be ready, _for you._" She stills, brushes her thumb over the back of his hand.

"Kate, god- yes- I'll still wait. Of course I will," he almost groans out, and joy spills throughout her body, her lips splitting into a smile. He mirrors her, and her eyes crinkle, so thankful there is happiness in his features again.

"Yeah?"

He brings up her hand, dusts his lips over her knuckles, and she physically shivers.

"As long as you need, Kate." He squeezes her hand. "But you know that you're already good enough for me right? I don't need you to be perfect. I just need you."

Her heart clenches, aches, and she shifts on the couch, moves next to him and curls into his side. She rests her head on his shoulder and he wraps his arm around hers to pull her in closer, and she closes her eyes as she relaxes. She's warm, safe, she could stay here forever.

"You have me, Castle."


End file.
